The Magical Hat
By Scott Horn
It's a funeral. Moana is there, and he's bored. His backside is sore from sitting so long. Everyone around him is crying or whailing. But he isn't. He's wondering what video game he's going to play when he gets home. Final Fantasy? Maybe Halo. Now, don't misunderstand, it's not that Moana doesn't care about Sarah. He does. Probably more than a lot of the other people at the funeral. He's just bored and reckless, and God dammit his arse is sore. Was it selfish to be thinking about video games during your friend's funeral? Probably, but Moana wasn't intending to be selfish or malicious. He just wasn't interested. He had been asked to say something about Sarah. All of her other good friends were. But Moana didn't have anything to say. He didn't even really want to come. Had better things to do. But he knew that he had to. How would everyone else feel if he bunked Sarah's funeral to beat Demon Wall in Final Fantasy VII?
Sarah was a wonderful girl, and Moana truly did love her. She was strong and smart, caring and kind. She was funny and thoughtful, outgoing and sassy. She was also an image of beauty. Some might of said that she was perfect. Maybe she was. She had this hat. Her grandmother had given it to her, and she cherished it like nothing else. It wasn't a particular interesting hat, just your everyday wide-brimmed white hat. But she loved it. She always wore it. Sarah would swim through oceans or climb over mountains for that. Moana wondered; was Sarah wearing that hat now? As she was slowly lowered into the earth in a wooden box? Or was she wearing it in the accident? If so, it's probably been destroyed or something. The cops would've just said, "Oh, it's just a hat."
After the coffin is buried, it's time for the reception. If the funeral was the most boring thing ever, than the reception was the most awkward. What are you supposed to say to a dead girl's mother? What about her brother? Or her best friend? For the most part, everyone remains fairly quiet, occassionally a small conversation will spark up - sometimes about Sarah, sometimes about something entirely different - but it won't last long. Moana remains seated and thinks about what his favourite Zelda game is.
*
A few days later, Moana is sitting in his room. He is, unsurprisingly, playing video games. His friends are coming over soon to go to the mall together. He has enough money to buy a new game. What will he get? When the doorbell rings, Moana answers it. He is not surprised to see the faces of Kiley, Matthew, Ian and Ryoko. Kiley was Sarah's best friend. Matthew was her boyfriend. Ian was her younger brother. And Ryoko was her cousin.
Ryoko speaks first, 'Are you ready?' she says.
Moana nods and he leaves the house with his friends. They catch the bus to the mall, and it's a quiet journey. Like the reception, the occassional coversation starts, but ends a few seconds later. The mall is the same as always. Of course it is. Why would it be any different? It's a strange trip. Moana doesn't even go into the game shops, let alone buy anything. Likewise, Matthew doesn't go into the sports shops, Ian doesn't go into the toy shops, Ryoko doesn't go into the book shops and Kiley stays well clear of any clothes stores. So it ends up being an awkward silent walk around the mall. Eventually, the sorrowful group finds themselves outside the movie theatre. The newest release, Sunlight, was being advertised everywhere. Sarah had very much wanted to see Sunlight, but she never will now.
Kiley bursts into tears. Dammit. She had gone almost 2 hours without doing that. Poor girl. It must be hard to lose your best friend. Kiley's tears start a reaction in Ryoko who also starts to cry. Ian starts crying, too. Nobody can blame him, he's just a little boy. He shouldn't have to deal with something like death. Then again, nobody should have to deal with something like death. Matthew, being the determined tough guy that he is, stays strong and holds back the tears. Of course, Moana does too. He doesn't even feel sad really. So what if Sarah never got to see Sunlight? It's not like she'll be sitting there going, "I'm so disappointed I never got to see that film." In fact, she won't be thinking anything at all. She's dead.
*
It's the next day and Kiley is in her bedroom. She has a dinner party to go to that night, but doesn't know what to wear. Should it be her white dress? Or maybe a blue skirt and top? Where was that pink cardigan? Sarah always liked that one. She looks for the cardigan, but can't find it. Before she knows it, she's crying again. She's trying so hard. She really is. But she just can't help it. Life is just so much harder now. Her mother comes into the room.
She asks, "What's wrong?" which is a stupid question. What does she think is wrong? Maybe Kiley broke a nail?
Kiley doesn't form a particularly articulate answer, and more mumbles a few incoherent words. Her mother sits down on the bed next to her and gives her a big warm hug. A lot of people would hate to admit it, but a hug from your mother can really help when you're in a mess. Of course, it wasn't going to help much in this situation. Not even mothers can bring back the dead. Kiley just cries. And cries. And cries. She thinks that she'll never stop crying. But she will. It's hard now, but she'll learn to deal with Sarah's death eventually. She just needs time.
*
Matthew is playing basketball by himself in the court behind his house. His parents are out, so he's home alone. Usually he'd have Sarah over during such a situation, but that wasn't going to happen. He is obviously distracted as he is missing all of his shots. Everytime he misses, he curses loudly, as if by missing his life is somehow getting worse. He walks over the basketball and picks it up, but instead of continuing to play, he throws it hard against the wall of the house. He is hoping for something dramatic to happen like for the wall to collapse, or the ball to explode. But of course, the ball just bounces off of the wall and then rolls away. He hears his parents coming home, but decides against going to see them. He feels that if he sees someone right now, he might punch them or something. He just needs space.
*
Ian is staying with aunt and uncle. He is in the kitchen with his aunt, eating a bowl of custard that she has made for him. His uncle is in the other room, watching the television.
Ian summons up the courage to ask something that he has been wondering for a while now. He asks his aunt, "Where's Sarah?"
His Aunt is at a lost as to how to answer that question, and she says, "Ian, honey, Sarah is gone."
That's not the answer Ian was looking for. "Everybody is saying that. But WHERE has she gone?" he asks.
"No where," his aunt tells him, "She hasn't gone anywhere. She just isn't here."
"But how does that work?" Ian still doesn't quite understand, "How can somone not be anywhere?"
"Well, to be honest, we don't know. That's what death is. Nothing," says his aunt.
"But..." Ian begins, tears welling up in his eyes, "Why?"
Why, indeed. Ian asks a good question, but it's not one that can really be answered. Maybe there is no answer. Why do we die?
Not able to explain any further, Ian's aunt opts not to answer the question and instead gives him a big hug.
"Can Sarah eat custard where she is?" he asks.
"No" his aunt replies.
"She can't? Can she eat anything? Is she going to get hungry? I don't understand why," Ian's voice squeaks on that last word.
All he needs is one answer.
*
Ryoko is sitting in her bed. She is trying to read but is far too distracted. Sarah was at her house right before the accident. She had come over to talk, but Ryoko had sent her away saying that she was busy studying for an upcoming exam. How incredibly selfish of her. If she had let Sarah stay, even for a few minutes, then she wouldn't have been in the wrong place at the wrong time. She'd still be alive. But it wasn't Ryoko's fault, and it wasn't fair for her to blame herself. Sometimes these things happen. They're bad, yes, but they can't be helped. Ryoko had no idea what would happen to Sarah when she told her to go away. She is waiting for Sarah to forgive her for letting it happen, but it's never going to happen. Sarah is dead and cannot express forgiveness. What Ryoko really needs is to forgive herself.
*
The next day, Moana is going for a jog. He has been caught up in his gaming and has therefore not gone on one for a while. His social life is limited at this stage, as everyone is still trying to cope with Sarah's death. He runs next to the river, and in doing so, passes Sarah's house. He stops. Outside the house are piles of Sarah's stuff, most likely awaiting to be taken to the dump. Amongst the clothes and books, Moana notices her hat. He runs over and grabs it. He looks at the hat and falls to his knees. He cries. And he cries a lot. The full deal; tears, sobs, moans, all of it. Images of Sarah flash in his mind, and suddenly her death is unbearable. Suddenly, he has no idea how he will survive without her. He just needs her to come back.
*
From then on, Moana takes the hat with him everywhere. He doesn't wear it, of course, but he carries it with him at all times. It makes it easier for him. It's like having a little piece of Sarah with him, to remember her. It comforts him. He feels a little guilty about keeping the hat to himself, as he isn't the only one who cares about Sarah. But he couldn't bare to let it go.
Today, the whole group is taking the ferry for a picnic on one of the nearby islands. Moana is standing at the back of the ferry, with the hat in one hand. Suddenly, there is a gust of wind that blows the hat straight out of his grasp and into the water. Instantly, Moana gets ready to jump in the water after it. His friends try and stop him.
"Moana, just leave it!"
"Don't be stupid!"
"You can't jump in there!"
"The ferry is going to fast!"
But he doesn't listen. He can already see the hat getting smaller and smaller in the distance and he can't lose Sarah's favourite hat. He jumps in the water and swims towards the hat. Kiley runs to the pilot, screaming at him to stop the ferry.
"Excuse me, Miss?"
"You need to stop the ferry!"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
"Just stop the ferry, dammit!"
*
Moana has to explain to his mother why he is drenched. She isn't impressed, but let's it slide. What else can she do? His best friend did just die, after all. Moana walks up the stairs to his bedroom where his friends were waiting. Matthew, Ryoko and Ian are all standing, Kiley is sitting on his bed. She's crying. It has been a while since anyone has seen her cry. She has been getting a hold on herself, and only cries when she's alone at home. Moana walks over and sits down next to her.
She looks at him and says, "You're an idiot."
"I had to get the hat," he replies.
"No, you didn't," she sobs, "What if you had gotten hurt? Or died? Then how would we feel? How would I feel? You need to think more before you do things, you know? I can't..." she pauses, "I can't lose Sarah AND you."
Moana is quiet for a moment, but then he places his hand on Kiley's and says, "I know. I'm sorry."
*
The next day, Moana goes to the graveyard. It is the first time he has been here since Sarah died. He stands in front of her gravestone and places a bunch of flowers and her favourite hat on the ground. Moana loved that hat. He would swim through oceans, or climb over mountains for that hat. But the best way to move on is by letting go.
